Tag Archives: Krammada Elbas 5:30

Glossolalia

Some of you have asked me if you can communicate with me by “speaking in tongues” (othewise known as “Glossalalia for my more high minded readers).  My answer is a resounding “eschalla waloo waloo nkandrayyyyyy komada komada komada greis szlizar oleoleleo culoch culoch sereeese bakachutayenu wuh kuh wuh kuh regimenginicarawandlana bukkaki potay potay potay licasso milee milee roookachoo raich raich rakarakarakaraka boogoo dorestamine lysee ducat dubahoo KRAMMADA ELBAS!”

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Six Easy Ways YOU can help End the World!

The Holy Bible gives us SIGNS that should warn us of the coming of the end.   Our Lord Jesus gives us 6, The Apostle Paul 12, and 11 more by the Hebrew prophets.  Some have come true.  The rest, as I have argued, we need to MAKE happen.

JESUS TOP SIX LIST:

1. FALSE PROPHETS AND CHRISTS

Matthew 24:5 “For many will come in my name, saying, I am Christ, and will mislead many.”

Matthew 24:11 “And many false prophets will arise, and will mislead many.”

Well, we’ve seen this, from Nostradomous, To David Koresh, to Government Think tanks that are designed to predict worst case terror scenarios.  I’d add 9/11 conspiracy theorists, especially those who said they saw it coming, to the list.  I’ve been called a false prophet.

Well, let’s say I am.  The way I look at it, if that’s the case, I’m doing my part to bring about The End Times. 

end-nigh

How can you help?  If you see a homeless man wearing a placard proclaiming “the End is Nigh”, don’t preach to him.  The crazier his ramblings, the more you should extend you hand to help him, and help him be heard.  Buy him a loudspeaker.  Take him to dinner parties and sporting events.  Call into Larry King with a serious question, and when you get past the call screener, give him the phone.

2. WARS:

Matthew 24:6 “And you will be hearing of wars and rumors of wars; see that you are not frightened, for those things must take place, but that is not yet the end.”

As Tolstoy once asked, “War?  What is it Good for?”  If your answer is “absolutely nothing”, then I suggest you read The Book of Revelations a bit more closely. 

So how can you help?  Enlist in the armed forces, or go to work for a private military contractor (as I have, in an advisory capacity).   Or just support your local veterands (and maybe hint that they might feel better if they signed up for one more tour of duty).

3. FAMINES

Matthew 24:7 “For nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom, and in various places there will be famines and earthquakes.”

This is a tough one.  On TV, it may seem like there is enough starvation in the world.  But whatever you do, DO NOT FEED THE HUNGRY.  If everybody had a full stomach, explain to me how the End Times as prophesized by our lord and saviour will come true?

Don't worry, G-d will feed them in Heaven.

Don't worry, G-d will feed them in Heaven.

4. EARTHQUAKES

Matthew 24:14 “And this gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in the whole world for a witness to all the nations, and then the end shall come.”

I know, “natual” disasters,  Acts of God…your probably thinking what our new president might said when my good friend Pastor Rick Warren asked him about abortion:   “That’s above my pay grade”.  Horse puckey.

Am I suggesting we go the Lex Luthor route and plant nuclear weapons along the San Andreas fault?  Brilliant real esates scheme (in the first movie, not the abortion that was Superman Returns), but bad biblical form.

My hope is that as the popularity of this blog grows, my flock will grow along with it.  When the day comes where we’ve reached sufficient size, I propose we all head to Los Angeles (I’ll charter the buses).  When we get there, we simply have to coordinate our watches and jump up  and down simultaneously.

5. TRIBULATIONS:

Matthew 24:8-9 “But all these things are merely the beginning of birth pangs.  Then they will deliver you to tribulation, and will kill you, and you will be hated by all nations on account of my name.”

Christians are under attack throughout the world.  Censored in the China, claughtered in the Sudan, and made to bite their tongue when the words “Merry Christmas” are about to leave their mouth and say “Seasons Greetings” instead.

war-on-christmas

If you’re like me, those get your hackles raised.  Especially the last one…if I see one more Menorah or Kwanzaa display next to a Nativity scene, I’ve going to smash them with 10 Commandments I purchased from my dear friend in Christ Justice Roy Moore (who was forced to take them out of his courtoom in the great state of Alabama).

But we must resist these urges.  In fact, we need to encourage Christian missionaries to go where they are most unwelcome.  Saudi Arabia, Pakistan, Tianmen Square.  Let them preach our gospel far and wide.  If they take some flak, literally or figuratively, well they’re just doing their part to bring The End Times to a theater near you.

6. THE GOSPEL WILL BE PREACHED THROUGHOUT THE WORLD:

Well, what do you think I’m doing here with this blog?  I was a best selling author, and the print medium was just too small to contain my message.  So link to this site, cut and paste my quotes and send them in those chain e-mails that everyone loves to receive.

Those don’t sound like hard things to do, now do they?  Especially if each one brings us that much closer to Paradise.

This is just the start.  If this feature proves as popular as it should be, I’ve still got Paul’s 12 signs, and another eleven from the Jew Bible.  Don’t just sit back and wait for those either.  Get to work, and let’s BRING ON THE END TIMES!

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Jews don’t take the End Times laying down, and neither should we.

Now, Jews…they don’t have an End Times prophecy per se.  What they call The End of Days (aḥarit ha-yamim, אחרית הימים), is not a pre-ordained event but rather brought about by religious observance and good deeds.

Good deeds my Tuchus!  They worked theirs off to fulfill their end of the bargain when it comes to bringing the end of days.For both the Christian and Jewish End times, three things must happen:

There must be “gathering of the exiles“.  In other words, Jews returning to the land of Israel.  Check.  As Theodor Hertzl, the founder of modern Zionism said “If you will it, it is not a dream”.  Guess who else said that?  Walter Sobchak in the Big Lebowski.  Point is, the first Israelis did not wait around for God to bring them to Israel.  They went there and turned a sandtrap into a paradise.  Which brings us to: 

“The land of Israel will turn from a desert into a garden, flourishing with fruits”.  The Golan Heights.  That Israeli wine country, my friends.  Blessed is the fruit of the vine! 

There’s also the Rebuilding the Temple (which I’ve mentioned before)

And  finally the return of animail sacrifice to said temple.  I’ll talk about that in upcoming post.

We need to follow their example.  We cannot wait for prophecy to come true (although it is coming true around us), we’ve got to make it come true.  Stick with me, and I’ll show you how.

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